The Tale Of An Outsider On The Inside

Ever since I was young, I looked at the world with open eyes and desperately wanted a place to belong, a place where I was understood and enough to meet all the expectations of society and my peers. I searched for years, never finding the answers I was looking for.

While on my quest to belong, I found out a lot about who I am and what I want out of life. I never was, and probably never will be, the girl who has a million friends— constantly going out, being invited, knowing I could do anything with anyone whenever I wanted.

It’s not that I have a mediocre personality or unbearable insecurities or a fierce resting face, it was just as though no matter what I did or how I did it, it was never enough for everyone around me. I tried to force conversations, but that didn’t work. I tried to think they like did, but I was not a good actor, so I stuck to myself and a few good friends.

I’m the girl who has one or two very best friends, but gets along with just about everyone I come in contact with. A smile finds my face every time I enter a room and pleasantries are shared when I meet a new face, I have no problem meeting people. What I struggle with is connecting with others, the way I wish to.

Maybe I could blame it on my expectations, the quality of connection I crave, but I’ve learned it’s rare.

My mind goes deep, and I get lost in my thoughts more often than not. For all my years in school, I would be considered likable and rememberable as I was involved with activities and captain of sports teams. I may be remembered as nice or smiley or smart, but I struggled to connect with any of them at my essence when I felt we didn’t see eye to eye. I walked to my own beat, especially when I stopped caring about fitting in or even being liked. I gladly labeled myself as an outsider, but I had all the luxuries of being on the inside— I was invited, I was remembered, I was voted for.

It’s the weirdest combination— to always have a place in the center, but to never belong.

Now in my college years, I’ve found my purpose, my belonging and that’s loving people who are in my life so entirely and completely because they see who I am, they see my worth and value me as so. Now there’s no such thing as fitting in for me— when I look around at others with different values, morals, priorities, lifestyles, I do not desire to be them or inside their clique or follow their rules. They are who they are, as I am who I am, and that’s exactly they way it’s meant to be.

We aren’t designed to be the same— some need more reassurance than others, some need more friends, space, or power. One is not superior to the others, it’s just the route you are belong on. We all are just trying to find that sense of belonging inside our reality.