authentic living

6 Life-Changing Realizations I’ve Had During 2019

There’s only a month left of 2019, and my 23rd birthday is quickly approaching. I’ve had a lot of revelations this year because I am living outside of my comfort zone and experiencing so many differing perspectives. This year, I graduated college, joined Peace Corps, and moved to a Caribbean island. I now know that I don’t have to be who I’ve always been, and I can heal wounds, forgive myself, and move forward. So here are big realizations I’ve had this year:

An eye for an eye (revenge) is not how I’m going to live my life. When someone does me wrong or I get my feelings hurt, I remind myself that it’s not personal; people’s decisions, opinions, and actions are often a reflection of how they feel about themselves or are formed by baggage that they carry. {Whether we choose to be transparent or not, we all have our own hurts, pains, insecurities, and shortcomings that we can either fall victim to or work through and heal; I’m choosing the latter.} When I can forgive and repair, I do it willingly, but there are times when it’s best to forgive, move on, and release the burdensome pressure. I’ve learned it’s best not to have long-term resentment, aggression, or anger towards others, it just hurts more as time passes. All in all, I believe in people and we’re all just doing the best we can, but when we know better, we must choose to do better. When it’s said and done, I know I have the power to remove myself from toxic situations and relationships.
Letting go of things/people that I’ve outgrown has allowed me to spread my wings and recenter my thinking. When I set my mind to something, I invest wholeheartedly, but sometimes, the reality doesn’t match the truth inside my head. I’ve had to spend a lot of time working, growing, and learning about false realities I wanted and created to get to the root of my ideologies and beliefs. When I let go of the delusional of all the what if’s or could be’s, I started to have a clearer picture of my reality and the more positive direction I wanted to move towards. I realized I didn’t have to stay in the same state of mind I’ve always been in.
Saying ‘no’ is so powerful. Setting boundaries is refreshing, and serves so many purposes in my life. Going off into the Peace Corps this year has taught me the importance of setting boundaries early on while also voicing my opinion and considerations. It’s allowed to me to devote my time and energy to my passions and do away with time fillers and wasters. I am not beneficial to anyone when I am over extended or a scattered brain. By setting boundaries and using my voice, I have shown others that I value myself, my time, and the work I’m dedicated to.
Trusting in the season of my life has allowed me to breathe and find peace in my now. There have been many times where I feel unsettled and restless, wanting to know what’s next or why x, y, or z hasn’t happened yet. I have many short-term and long-term goals for myself, and at times that gives me a false illusion like I know what my future holds or what the next stage holds. I’m in an amazing chapter of my life right now, and I’m learning to just enjoy the moments as they come. I still challenge and push myself, but I’ve given up trying to ‘play God’ and map out my entire life. It’s okay that I don’t know what’s next. It’s okay that I’m single. It’s okay that I’m in this season of my life in another country.
Hard work always pays off, tenfold. Growing up in Indiana, I had many factors in my life that taught me about being disciplined, having great work ethic, and the value of genuinely helping others, and eventually, I developed the work ethic I have now. While in college, I took on so many jobs, internships, and extra curricular activities. I loved being a part of things greater than myself, being a team player. By working hard, I have developed skills and a value adding mindset that I’ll carry with me no matter where I go, and I learned the value of communicating well, showing up, and always doing the best work I am capable of. So if you ever feel like your work is taking you in circles, recenter your thinking and know that being a smart worker is a valuable asset.
In order to grow, I need to invest in myself. As a volunteer working in the education sector, I have fallen in love with learning again. I am gaining knowledge from the time I get up until I go to bed. I apply myself, and believe I am capable in all that I do. That belief has allowed me to get positions within Peace Corps that allow me to enhance my ability to write and edit, it’s allowed me to get accepted in an online MBA program, it’s allowed me to read more books in a month than I ever thought possible. When I invest in myself, sky really is the limit. I hope you invest in yourself too and see just how capable you are.

These views are my own and do not reflect those of the US government or Peace Corps.

When You Begin to Understand Your Worth

The days became shorter, as the moments fluttered with urgency and I no longer got lost in the wonderment of dissatisfaction.

I walk through each door as if I own the room and I belong, but I had spent so many years putting my head down and weaving in and out of crowds I couldn’t face, filled with jealousy that they had a place and I was an outsider. Now, years later, I know the truth— I belong in each moment, each pathway because I choose to, not because anyone makes me feel welcomed.

This world, this life is a mindset, you can have the victim mentality or you can be the hero of your own story, you’ll never be completely free until you can look yourself in the mirror and know you’re worthy and lovable. I would look at my reflection outside and behind closed doors and worry, question, and fear that I was not good enough, that I am not worthy of blessings, that I am lacking when others are more put together, little did I know, everyone is a basket case, but not a single soul is a lost cause. I am not a lost cause. Some say people never change, that who they are is engrained on the walls of their body, but I believe the patterns morph and transform into who that person is meant to be— I’m morphing into who I am meant to be.

If we stayed the same, if nothing ever changed in our hearts, our world would be stagnant.

Our first love would be our only love and our hatreds would last a lifetime, and we know that’s not our reality, we fall in and out of love like it’s going out of style and I can’t keep a grudge for the life of me, but that’s because I realize that life is precious, moments should be valued and that genuine love should be at the root of every interaction.

Things are learned, patience is accrued and time is something you can never get back. One word: special, rings in the back of my head— it screams as I look for a once in a lifetime love, a one in billion personality, a heart of gold. I don’t even waste my time on the questionable when my feelings are on the edge, ready to flee and jump into the unknown to avoid to the mediocrity that surrounds me.

I can feel it draining my contagious energy when it’s not full, and I run. I don’t run because I am scared of commitment or love, I run because I am scared of settling and lack there of. Waking up one morning consumed with “what if’s” and “whys” is my greatest fear and I use it as fuel to be better, to love greater, and require more because I refuse to be “content” or have just enough when it comes to my life and future.

With a world as wide and full, I know there is room for me to achieve greatness and sculpt the map of my heart to endure hardships and remain resilient, optimistic.

Along the way, I’ve been given a purpose and know myself well enough to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, to not fitting in, to standing out. So, I take each moment and spin it at my will, knowing these days are good, but it’s only going to get better, it’s only going up from here, my heart promises so.

It’s Okay To Have A Mr. Right Now

Previously featured on: HARNESS MAGAZINE

One day, you’re going to wake up, so in love with the person laying next to you. You’re going to be over the moon, head over heels for the person you’re going to spend forever making memories with. The pieces of your heart will be mended back together and those guys who broke your heart throughout the years won’t matter in the slightest bit, and you’re going to thank God for not answering your pleading prayers about so and so after many sleepless nights. You won’t have to question if you’re good enough, you’ll know you are. You will feel complete and loved and oh so important.

One day, all of this nonsense will have a purpose and all the heartaches or little love affairs will only be simple memories. However, today is not that day because we woke up in our empty bed, checking to see if the boy we like finally texted us back, only to be let down and disappointed.

We woke up, wanting more love in our lives and impatiently waiting for that day to come. So in the meantime between today and someday, here’s a few thoughts and reminders: you can’t make someone fall in love with you and your soulmate is probably not the guy you’ve been stalking on Instagram for the last two months. Also, everything works exactly the way it’s meant to with who it’s suppose to work with. Love has a funny way of working it’s way into our lives and before we know it, it’s all consuming and right, but sometimes, love can stay dormant, just long enough to make us question if Mr. Right will ever come around.

For me, I started out my adult life, in a committed relationship and that carried on until almost the start of sophomore year in college and while I was in the relationship, I learned an overabundance about myself, my worth, and what I need when it’s time for my next relationship.

Even Mr. Right might not be your Mr. Right. He may be a great guy— charming, lovable, and impressive— but you and I both deserve a guy who looks at us like we put the stars in the sky and loves us for the way our inner light shines.

I’ve learned I’m a believer that true love should be kind, all-consuming, and beautiful, but I also learned true love requires patience, openness, and God’s blessing.

When I got out of my lengthy relationship, I was convinced love had failed and with a valiant effort, it could not be saved. BUT, love never fails. True love never fails. It’s okay to have fun with Mr. Right Now because when it’s time for Mr. Right, he will be there, ready to love you with everything in his being and vise versa.

The best things happen when we aren’t searching for it— our own serendipity. If you are anything like me, continue loving deeply and exploring different avenues as new people enter your life, but you don’t have to be consumed with finding the one. When it’s meant to be, it will be and all will be right in the world. So it’s okay to kiss Mr. Right Now, but don’t expect him to be the one you bring home to meet your mom and love you forever.