It’s Time To Turn Another Dreaded “Sorry, You’re Not It” Email Into Fuel

Throughout my life, I have worked towards various goals and made plans along the way by accepting different jobs, going off to college, and making decisions to go outside of my comfort zone, but there’s a story that I, along with many others, don’t share so openly. There’s a story of triumph, tears, let downs, and ultimately rejection; there’s a story of no’s and not yet’s.

At 23, I feel like my story of no’s has been more extensive than I’ve ever led on because I have this mentality of continuous improvement so I shoot my shot for my dream ideals, which comes with a lot of big fat “sorry, you’re not it” letters.

Since coming home from Peace Corps, I realized for the first time in my life, I wasn’t in the rat race of society anymore. I was coming home, jobless and to live with my parents (first time since I was 17). I was coming home, broken hearted and decided to spend the next two months dedicated to healing and growing through therapy.

Now, I write this, saying I am thriving because my mind and spirit are allowing me to be, to trust in myself and my abilities, and to know that this is all part of the plan, but then, as my mind became healthier and more supportive. . .

this happened . . .

I had spent an entire month, waiting to hear back from a certain job that I had deemed “perfect” for me. I got an interview, spent time with the organization, and really showed who I was to the team, and thought that I was a no-brainer hire.

So, I waited.

And I waited.

I prayed, and I hoped.

Still, somewhere along the way, I found myself telling people about it as if my worth was equated with a title, with a job, with what I could produce or achieve.

So I waited a little more.

Then, I got the email and my heart dropped when I got into the car, realizing I had put all my eggs in this basket.

It read: “Thank you Ashley for taking the time to meet all of us and interview, but we have decided to go with someone else.”

My heart sunk, and tears overwhelmed me. So I cried so hard for two minutes– I couldn’t find my voice, and my heart raced through my chest; I let my world crash down around me and my mind dragged me through the mud for a few minutes as I dried my tears.

Now for the first time ever, I had no plans and I wasn’t waiting on anything, and that hit me in that moment. I felt like a failure.

As I sat in my car, a little numb and sad, I started to marry logic and emotion (thanks David for that reminder).

There was a reason why this job wasn’t the right fit for me and there was a reason why this no had to come; I am being groomed for something better.

I flipped down my driver’s mirror and looked at myself, makeup smeared and eyes puffy, and said to myself:

“You are a strong, capable leader.”

“You are destined to love, to be loved, to be depth.”

“Your light doesn’t diminish because someone’s inability to see it.”

That last affirmation stuck with me, and reminded me that this is all part of the plan. I look back at life and see that there were things I wanted so desperately, but now know that greater has come and gone since then. I am stronger, more transparent and well because of the no’s I’ve taken on.

Nobody wants to get rejected, and honestly, nobody even wants to talk about it. I let my circle know that it didn’t work out how I intended, but by using my network, other things, better things have transpired since then. BETTER. FULLER.

I can see that the job I deemed ideal had red flags that wouldn’t have served either one of us. I can see that I have a heart to serve, but it has to be healthy and logical.

I felt very compelled to share this because there’s so much societal pressure to preform, to achieve, and to have all the yeses.

That’s not reality though, especially when you are designing a life you truly love, one that inspires you.

I am here to say that I’m not settling, I’m not discouraged, and I’m not becoming small out of fear and you shouldn’t either.

Rejection is part of the process— so feel the emotion, harness it, and become stronger from it.

Stay Tuned, I will be sharing more of my views on rejection and my mindset on David Essel’s radio show live on March 26th at 5pm.

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A New Perspective When You’re Feeling Less Than Special

I hear it often, and it saddens me: 

People saying, “What, they think they are special? They aren’t special.” Their venomous words scream right into your face. It feels as though, a dark cloud is tapping on your shoulder, whispering a gentle reminder that rocks your core. “You’re a nobody, you aren’t special.”

The words echo again and again, as failures come rolling in, and the setbacks feel like hurdles you’ll never be able to clear. You start to think, ‘I am a nobody, nobody special.’ I’ve been there, done that too. I’m here to tell you otherwise, but as I write this all, I begin to wonder who I am to tell you different? Who I am to tell you all the thoughts in your head are just against you, to just feed your mind sweeter thoughts?

Am I a nobody too? 

Absolutely….. not. And neither are you. 

Am I not special because I don’t have the most beautiful face or the best voice or the sharpest wit or the most intuitive mind? 

Absolutely not. I’m special because I don’t have all the those things, and because I have other qualities that make me, me. Own that! 

I am Ashley Louise DeBoer, and that means something TO ME. It really doesn’t have to mean much to someone else because they may not know my heart or the way I think, or my energy might not be their cup of tea. Quite frankly, we aren’t going to be everyone’s favorite or second favorite; there will always be someone else with prettier hair, more money, MORE MORE MORE, but we aren’t playing a comparison game, at least not in this lifetime. We aren’t defined by the masks we wear, the amount of money or followers we have. 

It’s so much deeper than that, miles beyond the surface. 

As cheesy as it sounds, we’re all so incredibly special, so deeply important and unique. Not a single soul is the same as the next, so that ultimately means you are one in 6-7 billion. No one laughs the way you do, thinks the way you do, expresses themselves the way you do, dresses the way you do, experiences life the way you do. 

Each one of us is so special because we bring our own perspective to the table, even when we feel as though we are lacking or behind. 

The way you think and talk about your loves, passions, and ideas contributes to your beauty, your uniqueness. No one has lived this day the same way you have, and that’s pretty dang special, and that’s why I’m here to remind you that voice matters, your opinion matters, and your existence is validated, even when you feel as though you are sinking under the pressure. You’re suppose to be at the table, serving up all your thoughts because your perspective and perceptions should and can be heard.

So thank you to all the creatives, the listeners, the thinkers, the writers, the ones who say I love you first, the ones who show up despite the fears and reservations, you are our friendly reminder of the importance to value ourselves and all that being ourselves encompasses. 

Don’t worry so much about being something you’re not, the best thing you can be is you, as they say, “ be yourself, everyone else is already taken” So continue to see the badass that you are. Cheers to being REALLY, shockingly SPECIAL! 

The Process of Valuing Yourself

Self-love doesn’t happen overnight, and more often than not, it’s something you have to consciously learn how to do, like I did. I remember growing up and everyone wanted to be the same, have the same interest, experience the same things, and when someone broke out of the societal norm, they were considered weird, rebellious, or even labelled the outcast.

When you are constantly being criticized while you have an impressionable mind in tough years of creating the blueprints of who you are, self-love may sound like a foreign concept to you.

I’m here, to promote it, and advise you to indulge in it. 

Loving yourself does not make you conceited or selfish— it’s embracing who you are, accepting your faults and characteristics, and finding peace within yourself. It’s a vital aspect to growing into a well-rounded, purposeful, fulfilled, enlightened human, who is able to indulge in a deeper level of consciousness and show authentic compassion and love toward others.

Self-love is simplistic, but carries so much weight in our lives. There are days I feel less than pristine, and instead of trying to find validation from an outer source, I find it from within by reminding myself that I am capable, worthy, and beautiful. I choose to look at all I have to offer the world, instead of expecting the world to owe me anything for just existing.

This is your life, filled with all kinds of circumstances, but you can’t let the burdens dictate your mindset and vision. When things crumble, rebuild stronger. When relationships fail, carry your lessons into future experiences so you don’t let history repeat itself. When times get hard, become someone you are proud of. While you grow and learn how to love yourself, take some time to highlight your successes and be real with others about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

This life is far too short to be anything, but genuine and if anyone criticizes you or rejects you for being real and authentic, they are not the people you need in your corner.

In case nobody has told you before, you are worthy and you are deserving of all life has to offer. You have the ability to be your biggest advocate and fan, if you choose to be. It can start off small, indulging in your own interests without worries of judgement, trying new things you’ve wanted to do, choosing you and your happiness.

It’s easy to become a doormat, who gets walked all over in friendships or in relationships, but asked yourself, “If I really loved myself, what I allow this? If I really valued my happiness, would I do this?” Love yourself by doing things that don’t hurt your soul or belittle your feelings— stand up for yourself because you do matter.

There are going to areas that we lack in our lives— maybe it’s in relationships or within your family unit— but just because you don’t always feel loved by others, doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable and deserving. You matter a whole, and you should consciously choose yourself everyday, even if you feel as though no one else does.

It’s a process, a journey that can take a lifetime, but if we consistently try to better ourselves and love every piece of our being, we will find happiness and peace from within.

Better Than I Was Yesterday

Going through life changes and actually evaluating yourself is often times challenging, but we make it more difficult than it needs to be. When we look in the mirror and analyze who we are, we are gazing over the exterior first and then sinking deep into our soul; we constantly highlight our flaws and what we’d change, both psychically and in our personality, and as we do that, we are subconsciously comparing ourselves to the girl who seemingly has it all together.

“Comparison is the thief of joy” but it’s all we do.

Social media will be the death of us. We see the girl who is instagram famous with a million guys pining over her and two million girls dying to be her. We see her highlight reals and perfect selfies. We see her excelling, and having the perfect hair, body, friends, family, house, etc. We see perfection when we analyze her, but when we look into ourselves, we see flaws and imperfections. We see everything that is wrong. But why? Why are we so quick to adore others, but forget to see our worth? Ladies, we are not in competition with one another; we all have different strengths and weakness and far different hearts.

Having a pretty, symmetrical face doesn’t make you more beautiful than the girl who has a soul that radiates.

We have this mixed up perception that others don’t struggle with the things you do, but I promise they do. We work tirelessly to keep our flaws hidden, like we are the only one who struggle with anxiety or depression or have shaming circumstances. We assume the girl that is smiling with her perfect friend group is what we should be aiming for, but we have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. We don’t know who she is without her mask; being real, especially on social media, is seldom the case, but yet we compare like it’s our day job. We are all guilty of it, like highlighting or acknowledging our flaws to the world is lethal, but it’s needed.

Self-love is a crazy concept because that means accepting and loving yourself with all your craziness included.

You can love yourself while wanting to better yourself, but do it from a place in your soul that craves to be a better you for you. It’s all about intentions so only compare yourself to the person you were yesterday and keep improving to be the best version of yourself. You will be so loved and beautiful.