The right words to write this last month to sum up my experience haven’t come to me until more recently. These last 30-40 days since I made my decisions to leave Peace Corps, to leave Grenada, a place that I had called my 2nd home has been extremely eye-opening in countless ways, but the hardest part was finally allowing myself to follow my intuition to alter my commitments of service. There were a lot of moving parts that went into the good-bye and the final decision because when it came to the core of it all, I knew that staying was breaking my heart more than leaving would.
I’ve decided to share the trying parts of my story in case it may provide insight or spark connection.
I understand that social media can be allusive, and confusing to what reality is at times, especially since I chose to highlight the highs. Truthfully though, there were absolutely beautiful moments there and my hard times don’t belittle the love and beauty I felt on Grenada. I chose to keep the burdens to myself, and remain resilient through things that were really heavy to carry. I worked so hard everyday to consciously focus on the good, and that resulted in me minimizing my truth, to make it less than what it was. I felt as if I didn’t acknowledge it as reality, it was not happening. My mind convinced me that if I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t have to deal with it. And boy, was I so wrong.
I confided in my closest people because I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I worried my motivation, my mental health, and my being were never going to be my friends again. As I mentioned before, security was a major component and concern for me and it only intensified while I was there, bringing on an array of problems. Some things beyond my control were at play and my situation and placement fell through the cracks because of it. I fell through the cracks.
This is not the reality of every Peace Corps Volunteer at all— everyone’s story is different, special, and unique. Mine just got cut short, and God granted me grace to choose differently. You don’t realize how important your safety is until you feel so powerless and exposed everyday. I knew that PC would not be easy and it challenged me in ways that grew me beautifully, but it hit a point where I couldn’t stay any longer due to rational fears.
So now fast forward to being home the last two and half weeks, my mind was bogged down with the reality of guilt, grief for the ending of a chapter, and new realizations about my essence that I never dared to acknowledge before. I’ve been getting help and support where I needed it the most, and I feel like I can breathe. There are parts of me that I’m rebuilding and making stronger, but there’s a lingering guilt that I felt since I am no longer in Grenada. I miss moments on Grenada. I miss my school. I miss my kids. I miss my Peace Corps friends. I miss living in another culture. And it’s okay to miss all those things while also wanting distance and closure. But, I know that God has a plan for me and my Peace Corps journey was meant to be 6 months, no matter how badly I wanted it to be the full-time. I know in my heart that I did the best I could and advocated for myself along the way.
Now I understand the importance of trusting my intuition. So I just want to say my little bit that I wish I was reminded…… know that you’re never stuck. You’re never trapped. You’re never alone, and it does get better when you allow yourself to release, forgive, and accept help. It’s all going to be okay, no matter what season of life you’re in. Thank you for allowing me to share my piece!